7 months later... Living with depression

Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite.  I wrote a post a while back talking about my struggle with depression, but I'm not completely open with my ongoing struggles.  I feel like I made my story seem like it's all sunshine and rainbows after seeking help once.  Maybe I was a bit of a recovery honeymoon phase.

I'm not healed.  This morning, I found myself in a fog of panic attacks and tears for no good reason.  Once it started, I spiraled down and down and down.  It took some time and serious pep talking from my loving Girlfriend to start pulling me out of it hours later.  As I write this at 8pm, I still feel the effects.  Migraine, sore neck and an emotional hangover.

Adjusting to taking a daily medication for the first time in my life is challenging.  Identifying patterns in mood levels and frequency of severely anxious or depressive episodes is extremely difficult.  Reaching out to others for help doesn't become easier overnight.  But I'm learning how to manage better, day by day and that's what is most important.

As hard as all of these things are, I'm doing them.  Painfully, slowly, emotionally, confusingly and scarily,  I'm learning how to beat this my own way.

Why am I writing this?  Because I started a conversation a while back with that original blog post that I want to continue.  That was the beginning, this is now.  I've learned a lot.  I know how hellishly difficult Depression continues to be for me to deal with, and I can only imagine how it must be for everyone else.  As much as it might feel like I'm alone in the heat of a panic attack or pit of depression, in my clear present mind I know that I am not.  

I am making a promise to improve one thing [for now].  Next time a high anxiety episode hits, I vow to close my eyes, take 10 deep breaths and smile.  This has worked for me before.

By sharing this, I am holding myself accountable to actually do this.  Or else Jill will call me out on this post ;).  Additionally to raise awareness and understanding of mental wellness, particularly the realness and treatability of depression and anxiety.



a phone call

2016: The year depression saved my life