Mental Health Insta: @MattOlesh


Kombucha Insta: @NoBoochlessDays

I get by with a little help from my friends

Since I started broadcasting my story, some unexpected people have reached out to me.  They quickly went from being people I might have only known through Facebook posts and a handful of in-person interactions to incredible sources of hope and inspiration. Since I can find inspiration, hope, beauty and so much more in their human experience and struggle, why shouldn't the rest of the world?

Of course, issues of mental health are still heavily stigmatized in much of our society and it's completely understandable to keep such vulnerable, raw expressions to oneself.   Sometimes, I think I'm the 'crazy' one for blasting everything out!

But, what if it was anonymous?

So, here is the first in what I hope will be many written expressions of different individual's search for mental health.  While the author of the following works agreed to share anonymously, they retain all ownership rights of the following artistic works. 

I hope you'll find these beautifully raw expressions of humanity to be as moving as I did. 

Thank you LES for courageously sharing. 

If you'd like to leave a note for the author, you can leave a comment here or give me a message to relay.

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I'm lonely.
I'm sad.
I'm lost.
I don't even know why.
I'm misunderstood.
I'm stuck.
I'm isolated.
Why don't you understand?
I feel abandoned.
I feel hurt.
I feel dead inside.
No one cares, why should I?
Tired.
Broken.
I'm done.
Do you hear me?
I want to give up.
I want peace.
I want happiness.
I want to make the pain stop.
Can't you hear the screams behind the smile?
Death is the only escape.
Peace will be found.
This is not life.

-LES

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ย 

I hate the feeling of falling into darkness. I know what's coming. What the fuck is wrong with me?! Why can't I make it stop?! Why does the storm have to come and surround me like it does?!
I'm drowning! I can't breathe! I'm sinking deeper!
I can't pull myself up no matter what I try.
I panic.
I'm going to die! 
I shouldn't feel this way. It's not normal. Something is wrong with me!
I'm terrified. 
I'm screaming so loudly, begging for help, but no one can hear me! WHY CAN'T ANYONE HEAR ME!?
Something has a hold of me. It's wrapping around my neck. I am gasping for air. My lungs burn. I can't get away! I can't fight it anymore it's too strong.
It hurts less to let go, to stop struggling. 
I'm passing out. 
Will I wake up? Do I want to wake up? I hope I don't wake up.

-LES

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ย 

Below the layer of ash.
The coals they waited.
Waited, Waited, Watching.
Watching the light move around them.
Watching the leaves blow gently in the wind.
Swaying, Swaying, until still.
Waiting, Waiting, Wondering.
Will night fall to surround and devour the light of day?

Night falls like a silken sheet over all which held light just a moment before.
The leaves fell still.
Motionless, Motionless.
Still.

The coals they waited.
Waited, Waited, Watching.
Watching the still of the night.
Embracing the darkness of a sky void of the moon.
Waiting, Waiting, Wondering.
Wondering when to dance.

Out of the darkness rose...
A single flame from the ash.
Small as it may be, he grew.

Swaying, Swaying, Dancing.
The flame he grew.
Taller, Faster.

More beautiful each moment he burned.
The light it shown so bright.
So bright it illuminated the leaves.
So hot, the air it moved, and the leaves they danced once more.

He grew strong.
Stronger, Stronger.
He burned brighter.
Brighter, Brighter, Hotter.
His light warmed all around.

In the darkness there was light again.
His embers they flew.
Soaring, Soaring, Sailing.
Sailing through the dark skies.
Dancing, Dancing joyously as the flames they grew fostering the life of the coals beneath.

The coals they burned.
Glowing, Glowing, Glittery.
Glittering, Sparkling, Shining as though diamonds of cinnamon and orange peel.
So deep. So deep their color so striking.
Striking, Striking, Mystifying.
One could only stare.

Not looking away. 
Not looking away.
Held captive by the glow.
Gazing, Gazing, Tasting.
Tasting the brilliant sparkle of the yellow crystals of lemony sunshine.
Devouring the sensual glow of tangerine.

Delighting in the comfort of the deep warm cinnamon.
Getting lost in the crackling of the life within the fire.
Cracking, Cracking, Crackling.
The coals fueled the flames forcing them higher.
Higher, Higher, so very High!
So high they could touch the star speckled skies.
So high they could touch the distant light in the vastness of space.

Dancing, Dancing, Prancing.
The flames they raged.
They played.
Playing, Playing, PRAYING.
Praying this waltz would last.
Lasting, Lasting!... Leaving.

Almost as quickly the flames they grew, they turned to see the earth below.
Feeling, Feeling, Reeling!
The reality of death.
The reality of dying.
Dying, Dying, DYING!

The leaves grew still once more as the heat that drove them to dance faded away.
The crackling, crackling, crackling it calmed to a soft whisper.
Whispering, Whispering, Waiting.
The flames, they did die.
Death, Silence, Stillness.

But the coals, they burned.
Burning, Burning, Breathing.
Those glorious orange coals covered in lemony crystals sing softly.
Softly, Softly, Sadly as they burned to ash.

Burning, Burning, Buried.
Buried beneath the white ash. Hiding.
Hiding, Hiding, Hidden.
Hidden away. Waiting. Watching. Wondering.
Wondering, Waiting for that moment to burn bright once more.

-LES

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ย 

Lost for peace.
Lost for hope.
No comfort.
No care.
Lacking life.
Lacking luster.
Numb.
Dying.
Trying.
Alone in thought and mind.
Trapped, trying to fight the idea of the norm.
Nothing but the pills and the bottom of a bottle help calm the nerves.
Longing for the gentle glance, the soft touch, the thrill of living and laughing. Longing for the love of life again.
Waiting for life to return.
Mind, body, soul fighting together and against each other. Exhausted, numb, tortured.
Death of mind.
Decay of soul.
Nothingness remains. 
Darkness surrounds the mortal mind never intended to be.
Or wait.
Be greater, be alive, be more. Try. don't give up.
Impossible.
Mourning life in death.
Death is life.
Is death life?
Trapped in the darkness of the mind.
The soul aches. It longs to break free from the prison within.
Bound by chains. 
Tortured soul can't go on.
Begging to be released.
Desperate to escape this reality.
This death is not life. 

-LES

Remember... It's okay, this will pass

What would Yoda do?